I have to blog about yesterday, but I almost don’t know how to start. It’s like a train has been headed for this destination for quite a while, and it has finally arrived at the station. It looks nothing like what I expected. Being sick for some time now, I have prayed for healing. I have done research, spent hours online, desperately looking for answers. I’ve gone to doctors who are smart; who then send me on the next smart “specialist” doctor. I’ve been waiting for the diagnosis so we can get on to the “cure”. This all sounds normal enough in the physical realm, but what about the spiritual? I kept feeling like I was on a treadmill and I couln’t find the “off” switch. Where is it? While I’m weary on this machine. God is still caring for me and sends brothers and sisters in Christ to encourage me, bring me food and water. They become a lifeline. But the wearier I become, the more a silent battle rages within. I’m just so tired. If I can just find that switch. It’s all up to me. I have to find it. The longer I can’t find it, the more doubtful and fearful I become. It swirls around me until it’s all I can see. I can even hear it, feel it. Fear is quite a motivator; not always a good one. Frantic might better describe the state I’m in. While searching for the “off” switch, I find a few other buttons that help me function. There’s one to slow things down. Why haven’t I seen that one…and one to bring down the incline. Another checks my heart rate. Somehow I’m still moving, but I’m getting angry because I just want OFF. I fast-forward to tomorrow thinking “I won’t be able to keep this up, what am I going to do”. I rationalize my panic behavior. This is a natural, understandable response, right? Yet a still small voice whispers “you have all you need this moment, all you need to get off”. I start to scream “No I don’t! I can’t find the switch”! I know in my heart that this voice speaks truth, but I don’t understand. I just want OFF this stupid machine!
Then yesterday came. I woke up with my fever (the devils little taunting device) and gave in to doubt and fear; fear of what I know; what I don’t know…Discouragement followed. My cell phone rang. A few friends wanted to come by and pray with me. “Yes, that would be great”. In my mind I could see the finger of God slowly descend from heaven and rest on the “off” switch. This is good; a miracle in the making.
I really don’t know if I can describe the miracle that did happen. As my friends shared and prayed with me, read scripture and shared truth, God spoke mightily. A flashlight shone into my heart. I saw the doubt and fear for what it is-sin. I know in my heart where I’d gone. Holding out for healing (getting off this treadmill) was what I prayed for, what I longed for. The only solution that I could see to fix this was finding that “off” switch. That was not the solution. Guess what God told me to do? He told me to repent and jump; repent and jump off the treadmill. He said that he never put me there in the first place. What? Can this be true? Was this really the devils prison. The truth is…that this treadmill isn’t the sickness after all; it’s the prison of fear. Perfect love gives the strength and stamina to jump right off. I know Gods love is perfect. I can obey and trust. It’s my choice. On the devils machine, there is no “off switch”. I’m there until I jump. I didn’t even have to think about it. I repented and jumped with all I had in me and found myself cradled in the arms of a forgiving God. I can’t believe this freedom. The healing that took place was a miracle. It was a healing of my mind; a surrender of another area of my life to my Savior. Who knows that this may be the missing ingredient to my physical healing as well. I ran fever again last night and I smiled because I had such peace. This is not about me figuring something out. God is doing something. I’m not doubting him. He has given me direction and peace about the things he wants me to do to help my body heal. He has all power. He delivers! God mercifully met with me and three godly friends yesterday…I will never get over that.
Thanks for the window into your life….All I can say is “God is good, all the time.” We continue to lift you up in prayer.
Hang in there Sonya your part of the prayer team, we need you! (<;
Our prayers are being answered in your life. Here is my prayer for you, Holy Spirit heal as only you can, In Jesus Name, amen, Benny
Thank you so much for your post Sonya! We have all been praying for you from Southern Jersey and getting updates from your mom. Just a few moments ago I sent your mom an email about my dr’s appt. tomorrow. I kind of went into how I was feeling and said “I am sure Sonya can relate”. I in no way am as sick as you are but it is still so easy to get discouraged and allow yourself to get scared and confused and doubtful. I just felt like I needed to check your blog and it sure was exactly what I needed to hear! I am so thankful our Lord loves us SO much and gives us brothers and sisters to edify us along the way! 2 Cor 1:2-7 Even when we are sick, it is not about the destination but the journey! LOVE YOU!