I feel like I just woke up in another body. I looked around and felt suffering and death hovering over me like a cloud.  This must be EVIL. These are feelings I’ve never had before. My heart skipped a beat and then a sinking feeling I couldn’t shake pressed down within me, I’m waiting for an inevitable blow…I now know the possibilities of pain.  I’ve been deceived. I thought I would immediately be like God. I thought Adam would be proud of me.  He will hate me for what I’ve done. I thought I could  experience something I have never felt.  That part is true. I shouldn’t have believed the serpent.  He lied to me!!  Why didn’t God stop this? He could’ve stopped it, right?  Why didn’t He?  I think again about His words.  Adam told me what God said I needed to know about the tree.  It was the only fruit we were not to eat. His words are haunting me.  I can’t blame Adam or God.  They tried to tell me.  They trusted me.  God created me perfect, but He gave me a choice. I should have chosen to believe Him. I feel different now. Ashamed. All I can do is hide and try to cover my body.  What have I done, what have I done? Adam ate after me and now we are trying to cover ourselves with these leaves.  What futility.  I feel His presence of purity.  I hear His voice calling…

I can’t stop crying.  I was naked and cold and trembling. My God clothed and covered me, but at the price of the life of my lamb. I now know what death looks like, what I will be like one day. This is the beginning of lifelessness. This seed of sadness is planted in me. Even with Adam, I now feel alone.  He calls me Eve now and we are banished far away from the beautiful tree.

I remember THE tree, a tree large and beautiful, full of promise.  It is now protected and guarded with angels holding a flaming sword. It towered over us and a sense of hope filled me at it’s presence.  It mesmerized me. It’s beauty I so enjoyed.  It’s where the serpent spoke to me.   If I could only go back. This shame, fear and blame is consuming me; insecurity is taking over. Conflict is in the air.  I hate it. It is almost a tangible presence spreading through me like ink spilled on a page. I have words for all of these emotions that I don’t want.  I was enlightened with things I don’t want to know. I guess there was truth to the serpents words. And the perfect innocence that made me beautiful is gone.  I can tell when Adam looks at me. It’s gone and I’m not the same. The love and fellowship I had with Adam and my Creator is now only mocking me. Was I dreaming all of this? Was there really a place, lush and green, with perfect breezes?  When I close my eyes, I can almost smell the oceans calm, the sweetness of flowers, the place where I had no need. Now a chill is in the air.  I feel scared and needy.  I’m looking for paradise…I want to be there again…Unity. Harmony. Devotion. Love. Bliss. Completion. Peace.  I want it back.

It seems like forever.  The trembling won’t stop.  So this is life without God.  This is the day paradise was lost.