I feel like I just woke up in another body. I looked around and felt suffering and death hovering over me like a cloud. This must be EVIL. These are feelings I’ve never had before. My heart skipped a beat and then a sinking feeling I couldn’t shake pressed down within me, I’m waiting for an inevitable blow…I now know the possibilities of pain. I’ve been deceived. I thought I would immediately be like God. I thought Adam would be proud of me. He will hate me for what I’ve done. I thought I could experience something I have never felt. That part is true. I shouldn’t have believed the serpent. He lied to me!! Why didn’t God stop this? He could’ve stopped it, right? Why didn’t He? I think again about His words. Adam told me what God said I needed to know about the tree. It was the only fruit we were not to eat. His words are haunting me. I can’t blame Adam or God. They tried to tell me. They trusted me. God created me perfect, but He gave me a choice. I should have chosen to believe Him. I feel different now. Ashamed. All I can do is hide and try to cover my body. What have I done, what have I done? Adam ate after me and now we are trying to cover ourselves with these leaves. What futility. I feel His presence of purity. I hear His voice calling…
I can’t stop crying. I was naked and cold and trembling. My God clothed and covered me, but at the price of the life of my lamb. I now know what death looks like, what I will be like one day. This is the beginning of lifelessness. This seed of sadness is planted in me. Even with Adam, I now feel alone. He calls me Eve now and we are banished far away from the beautiful tree.
I remember THE tree, a tree large and beautiful, full of promise. It is now protected and guarded with angels holding a flaming sword. It towered over us and a sense of hope filled me at it’s presence. It mesmerized me. It’s beauty I so enjoyed. It’s where the serpent spoke to me. If I could only go back. This shame, fear and blame is consuming me; insecurity is taking over. Conflict is in the air. I hate it. It is almost a tangible presence spreading through me like ink spilled on a page. I have words for all of these emotions that I don’t want. I was enlightened with things I don’t want to know. I guess there was truth to the serpents words. And the perfect innocence that made me beautiful is gone. I can tell when Adam looks at me. It’s gone and I’m not the same. The love and fellowship I had with Adam and my Creator is now only mocking me. Was I dreaming all of this? Was there really a place, lush and green, with perfect breezes? When I close my eyes, I can almost smell the oceans calm, the sweetness of flowers, the place where I had no need. Now a chill is in the air. I feel scared and needy. I’m looking for paradise…I want to be there again…Unity. Harmony. Devotion. Love. Bliss. Completion. Peace. I want it back.
It seems like forever. The trembling won’t stop. So this is life without God. This is the day paradise was lost.